Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Scott breaks everything in Los Angeles (Including Himself)

After the epicness that was Dragon*Con... I got slightly dejectedly onto a plane and flew to Los Angeles to begin the next phase of my excursion to the United States of Amazing. It's also a pretty good deal when you arrive at the airport and meet a model (shoutout to Juelles ;))!

Well I certainly enjoyed rocking out with Juelles in LA, but apparently the universe did not. For the full brunt of bad luck descended from the cosmos and struck us down with a series of unfortunate events, that would persist the entire 6 days. So, allow me to take you on a our through Scott and Juelles' trip to LA; the cursed catalogue of calamity!

The first day began as we collectively decided that we NEEDED to have the achievement "Been to Denny's on two separate continents together" on our CVs. I am the sort of guy who when given the choice between expensive fine dining with portions the size of a pea and good old Denny's, I choose Denny's EVERY SINGLE TIME. In fact, if they charged Denny's prices for fine dining food and fine dining prices for Denny's food, I'd still pick Denny's. Apparently I had found a kindred spirit in Juelles who shares this opinion! We then went to Target (TARGET!! SO AMERICAN!! Unfortunately I didn't make it to Wal Mart on this trip) to look for some swim trunks, which I had neglected to bring. Target didn't have any. That's right, TARGET, the biggest store this side of the Atlantic Ocean, were out of the thing I needed. (Scott broke Target. Things Scott broke tally: One.)

The next day, we decided to check out the Hollywood sign. So we drove up there that night... and discovered that somehow, nobody thought that putting some DAMN LIGHTS on the sign so people could SEE THEM AT NIGHT was a good idea!! So we drove up the windy ass road to the apex of the Hollywood Hills, and bore witness to a blurry H and some darkness. It was pretty much excitement personified. Now, I do not know if there are no lights on the sign or if I short circuited them with my presence, but looking back now, the latter seems far more reasonable. (Scott broke the Hollywood sign. Things Scott broke tally: Two.)

Okay people, the next day was when the action really kicked in in terms of the curse. We went to Universal Studios, parking in the lot known as 'Jurassic Parking' (OMG LOL). After a back and forth debate (which largely consisted of both of us trying to get the other one to decide) we decided to spend the little extra on the Front of Line passes for the park. Juelles also thought it was a good idea to switch to the new line that opened up only to realise we had added about 15 more minutes to the wait. (Juelles broke the line. Things Juelles broke tally: One.) We cruised over to the Studio Tour and saw there was a gigantic line that we were about to bypass. Right now we were feeling quite good about those Front of Line passes. BUT FIRST, we ducked over to the concession stand to discover that apparently I had broken the drinks machine and had to settle for water. (Scott broke the drinks machine. Things Scott broke tally: Three.)

Halfway through the otherwise awesome studio tour, wouldn't you believe it? THE TRAM BROKE DOWN!! So I sat on my hands for 20 minutes whilst Juelles amused herself by staring at all the Asian babies on board. (Scott broke the tram. Things Scott broke tally: Four.) They got us another tram eventually and we finished the tour (King Kong 3D is epic). THEN, at the end of the tour they told us as compensation for the breakdown they would now be giving everyone on board FREE FRONT OF THE LINE PASSES. WHICH WE HAD ALREADY PAID FOR. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!! At this time, we were coming to realise that there was some serious bad juju circling us. Obviously the universe will NOT tolerate an average looking bum writer hanging around with a model. Oh well, so we wasted a bunch of money paying for tickets we were going to get for free. Not that big a deal. As long as that's all that happened. Well it wasn't. We went on the Mummy rollercoaster. When we came out, the guy told us that out of the hundreds and hundreds of photos they had taken that day the camera had malfunctioned on OUR CAR ONLY. Wow. (Scott broke the Mummy camera: Things Scott broke tally: Five.) Then we went and stowed Juelles' bag in a locker before going on another ride. When we got out, we went to open the locker and it malfunctioned, wouldn't recognise her fingerprints and trapped her bag forevermore. (Juelles broke the locker. Things Juelles broke tally: Two.) Well, not quite forevermore. The attendant hacked the mainframe and got it out.

After getting back to the hotel, I went out for dinner only to find the McDonalds had closed 2 minutes before I got there, ahead of schedule. (Scott broke McDonalds. Things Scott broke tally: Six.) Oh, and now I remember something else. The night we went to the Hollywood sign, the GPS directed us to a Sizzler's that was out of business. (Scott broke the GPS. Things Scott broke tally: Seven. Scott broke Sizzler's. Things Scott broke tally: Eight.)

Finally, one night before the epic concert (Katatonia!! Paradise Lost!! Devin Townsend!! You dont know any of them!!) I decided that I'd eaten too much junk on the trip so far. I went to the supermarket and bought some carrots, beans and some bread and munched on something with actual nutritional value for dinner that night. Then I woke up 4 hours later with FOOD POISONING. THAT'S RIGHT I WAS POISONED BY HEALTHY FOOD. (Scott broke logical sense. Things Scott broke tally: Nine.) I puked all night, all the next day and went to the concert feeling like I'd been struck in the face with Thor's hammer. (Scott broke his digestive system. Things Scott broke tally: Ten. ) I had to tap out after Paradise Lost and Katatonia and didnt get to see Devin Townsend. Lameness. And then, after more puking, I got up the next day and somehow managed to avoid breaking anything else until I got on my plane for London, having not eaten in 36 hours.

Apart from the curse, LA was awesome and so was America as a whole. Looking forward to seeing more of it after next year's Dragon*Con. Now please, just dont break my Loki costume!!

Final tally of things Scott and Juelles broke in LA: Twelve.

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